Q: My husband has never hit me, but he constantly puts me down, tells me I’m crazy, and keeps me walking on eggshells. Is this domestic violence or narcissistic abuse?

A: Yes, it is both. Your husband doesn’t have to physically assault you for it to be domestic violence. Emotional abuse and psychological abuse are a weapons used in narcissistic abuse and is domestic violence also.

Q: Are all abusers narcissists?

A: Anyone who abuses others is narcissistic. However, they may or may not meet the diagnostic criteria for NPD/narcissistic personality disorder. When most people say someone is a narcissist they mean they are grandiose, self-centered, and focused only on themselves. It is important to realize that all humans have some degree of narcissism. In fact, narcissism is a part of everyone’s innate survival instinct. Narcissism only becomes a problem when it negatively impacts a person’s relationships, their functioning, and causes harm to others.

Q: What’s the difference between emotional abuse and psychological abuse?

A: Both emotional abuse and psychological abuse attack a person’s self-worth. However, emotional abuse relies on fear- inducing verbal threats, whereas psychological abuse involves behaviors such as gaslighting, manipulation, intimidation, and control.

Q: I know I am being abused, yet I can’t let go of the relationship. For some reason, I still love him. Am I just crazy?

A: No, you are not crazy. Many people who are being abused by a narcissist feel this way. What is happening to you can be explained by Stockholm Syndrome, a situation in which a person who is being abused has positive feelings for the person abusing them. Therapy can help you understand this syndrome and break free from it.

Q: What is “gaslighting?” 

A: Gaslighting is a type of manipulative psychological abuse in which an abuser attempts to cause their target to be confused doubt themselves. The term “gaslighting” came from the 1944 classic film “Gaslight” starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, and Angela Lansbury. Gaslighting can be as simple as someone telling you that you said something you didn’t say, or did something you didn’t do. Gaslighting is also one of the most commonly used tactics of narcissists.

Q: What are the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual criteria for a narcissistic personality disorder diagnosis?

A: To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder a person must have at least 5 of the following: lack of empathy for others; interpersonal exploitation; a grandiose sense of self- importance, such as exaggerating achievement commensurate achievements; excessive need for admiration; attention seeking behavior; entitlement; manipulative behavior; a preoccupation with looks, power, control or success. 

Q: Do narcissists know they are narcissists?

A: No. Narcissists lack the ability to be introspective (to look at themselves and their behavior and they lack the ability to judge themselves critically. This prevents the narcissistic person from gaining the awareness that they are narcissist.

Q: Is there a cure for narcissistic personality disorder?

A: The short answer is, No. NPD is a very complicated disorder and every narcissist is a little bit different from the next. There are components of environment, biology and trauma that converge to create people with this disorder. However, people with the disorder have little or no insight, the first ingredient necessary for someone to change.

Q: My husband lets me work but insists on handling all the money and all the credit cards are in his name. He gives me an allowance but I am not allowed to make any of the decisions about our household expenditures. Is this financial abuse?

A: Yes, this is financial abuse a tactic used by many narcissists. As an adult, you have the right to control the money you make and have an equal say in how household expenses are met. Also, as an adult no one should be “allowing” you to work. As a part of a couple, you discuss it to see if this is best for the family and make a decision as a couple accordingly.

Q: What are some red flags that the person I am dating might be a narcissist?

Some red flags of narcissistic personality disorder could be:

• Expecting you to sleep with them because they “took you out and showed you a nice time.”
• They don’t like your friends.
• They get angry or jealous when someone else pays attention to you or gives you a compliment.
• They are thin-skinned, can’t take a joke and are easily insulted.
• They have to be the one to choose where you go or what you do on dates.
• They have few or no friends, may describe themselves as a loner, or say they don’t need anyone.
• Showing up at your place uninvited.
• They flirt with other people in front of you.
• Mistreatment of, or disdain for people they think are beneath them.
• They are moody; one minute things are going great and the next minute they are irritated, cold, or distant.
• They don’t have a high opinion of women.
• No matter how hard you try, you can’t connect with them on an emotional level; they can never truly be intimate or vulnerable with you.