Covert narcissistic abuse is one of the most damaging forms of domestic violence. Not only does it damage the psyche of the narcissist’s target, it also damages those who witness the abuse happening in sometimes subtle but life-altering ways. Below is a list of consequences for children who grow up in a household where they witness covert narcissistic abuse happening to a parent:
1. Children who grow up observing the narcissistic parent distort the truth and bend facts to suit their own reality causing children to believe that truth doesn’t matter; that winning an argument is more important that telling the truth.
2. They learn dysfunctional behaviors. They learn that lying is okay and that negative consequences can and should be avoided at all costs. Many of them will learn stealing is a better way to get what they want than asking for it because asking for what they need often leads to some kind of drama, ie, the covert narcissist parent will get upset and an argument will ensue between the parents over what the child wants or needs.
3. Put-downs, sarcasm, and emotional attacks get normalized. Children who grow up in homes where narcissistic abuse is occurring learn to walk on eggshells. Therefore, later in life if they encounter a romantic partner who is volatile/argumentative it will feel normal. Instead of quickly getting out of a relationship where they are emotionally hurt and demeaned, they will tend to stay far to long. Whereas, someone who did not witness these kinds of attacks in their home, would quickly see it as a red flag and a deal-breaker.
4. Often children who grow up in a home where covert narcissistic abuse is occurring develop childhood depression and/or anxiety. This is because their home environment is unpredictable and feels unsafe. They never know when the narcissistic parent is going to emotionally attack the other parent, or have a temper tantrum. And childhood depression and anxiety makes a person more prone to developing depression and anxiety in adulthood in response to stressors in their life.
5. Studies have shown that children who grow up in homes where covert narcissistic abuse is occurring have a 50/50 chance of growing up to be a narcissist themselves. While NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a very complex disorder with both biological and environmental factors contributing to it, a child exposed to it is more likely to develop the disorder than a child who is not exposed to it.
6. Children growing up in a home with a covert narcissist parent have a tendency to become overachievers or underachievers. Either way, their academic performance becomes a way of trying to appease the covert narcissistic parent, or get them to abandon any academic expectations of them.
7. Children who grow up with a covert narcissist parent learns not to trust their instincts. They grow up in an environment where wrong is seen as right and right is seen as wrong. Because of this, they mistrust their own instincts or judgement. Later in life, this can open them up to narcissistic relationships. They may get uses in their friendships. At work they may get overworked and poorly compensated.
This list of consequences for children who witness the covert narcissistic abuse of their parent/caregiver is wholly inadequate, for their are many, many consequences, far to many to be listed here. And while partners who are being abused by a covert narcissist must consider many factors when deciding whether they should leave or stay in the relationship, the current emotional and future well-being of their children must be a serious consideration. Living in an environment where they routinely witness their parent being undermined, gaslighted, manipulated, and mistreated has serious and far-reaching ramifications for the parent themselves and for their children.